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04-07-2021: 1:33pm

HOLY.FUCKING.SHIT.

So there's this person I talk a lot about on here, and not in the most positive way, but I just fucking found their neocities. They're somewhat anonymous but I know enough about them to know that THAT is for sure them. Goddamn their website made me so fucking mad. They also listen to Mother Mother which just tells you everything you need to know!

I hate hate HATE people who straight up either think they're E and D or ACT like them. Sure, I have a 'YKWIH' page too and I talk about Columbine a lot, but at least I'm obvious about it, and I don't just straight up steal their personalities or manner of speaking. It's fine to be inspired by their style or whatever, but stop trying to BE them. Kinning is fucking stupid too. It's alright if its in a joking way, but god can all these delusional ass fuckers leave Eric and Dylan alone? They aren't on this earth anymore, you didn't know them personally, and no mattter how you feel about them, just let them fucking rest GODDAMN IT. You aren't in a fucking relationship with either of them. THEY'RE DEAD, and despite that, they'd still hate you. I know I do, Christ. Especially this specific person. They are absolutely unbearable, yet everything they say, I can disprove easily because most of the "happenings" that fuel their delusions were literally MY OWN DOING. ME!!! FUCK YOU. I hope you fucking die and whatever 90 year-old-man spirit that you've been talking to fucking pisses on your mangled ugly self. You're NOTHING. You're PUTRID WASTE on this hell of an earth, and that says something because this world is already bad. Get a goddamn personality of your own. Either that, or just fucking die already. Nobody wants you here, nor in the next life. But I don't think there'll be a next life for you because you'll die the second you reach it.

I hate cunts like this so much, holy shit. ESPECIALLY this person. It sucks, because a lot of people that I follow on here, ALSO follow this fucker. I wish people knew how fucking dumb this bitch was...





03-30-2021: 1:46pm

Why are religious people so assfuckingly annoying? This music video from Lil Nas X showcases just how sensitive and irritating these types of people are. You told a gay man to go to hell for being gay, and that's literally what he did, but you got mad at THAT too? Make up your goddamn mind.

You'd think with all the bullshit that they spew about the media projecting secret meanings within every single thing they do, they would know that symbolism is a thing that exists, right? I can guarantee you that Nas ain't actually a Satanist, and even if he was, so fucking what? The perception of Satanism in today's world is absolute garbage, and incredibly inaccurate. Christianity has been so drilled into the minds of everyone in the United States that it's impossible to escape it, even in art. If religious art can exist, then why can't "sacreligious" art exist too? These are the same people who preach that the internet is drowning everyone in censorship, but shove an enormous fiery rod into their ass when they see something they "disagree" with online, and go on and on about how its "ruining America". Oh go cry some more...

Not even just Christians, but just religious Conservatives are doing it. That ugly ass bitch from Kent State who shat her pants at a college party is definitely one of them. I don't know if she's religious but she's definitely conservative. Dumbassery and conservatism aren't really linked in my eyes, frankly all political sides are fucking stupid, but lately its been this particular side that's been getting on my nerves the most. You know what, no, not even that. It's just this bitch in particular. She has the most punchable face I've ever seen. A spokesperson of those "lizard people" they salivate over, for sure. Anyways, she said some shit about Nas like "do you still see your dad" or something, and he responded back with "yeah, and I might fuck yours" to which she said that HE THREATENED TO RAPE HER DAD. This girl gets so fucking mad and blows everything out of proportion whenever anyone claps back at her, it's insane. If you're gonna be an Internet figure, then learn to take an L when it's handed to you. I'm not even a fan of Nas, but art is art. Art is something I will respect thorugh and through, no matter what the content is. Plus I just love seeing people like the Kent State bitch get butthurt constantly, heh.





03-28-2021: 9:14pm

I can't fucking focus on my homework. It's one of those numb days... How do you process the fact that you're not suicidal but you've basically planned out the exact way that you plan to go? I don't wanna fucking get old. I don't wanna settle into a career path. I just wanna destroy everything in my path and then myself.

I don't see myself living past 27 or I guess 30 (at the latest) and I don't fucking want to. It's a goddamn crime to make someone stay on this planet when they don't want to. That sentence just made me think about everything I've ever known. My boy feels that way too, but I don't want him to leave me alone in this fucking wasteland, but I guess that would be hypocritical if I were to use the previous sentence's logic. If he was to go, then so would I. My GOD how do people process their feelings, why can't I think regularly?

It's so hard having to consider so many different things, especially since you plan to leave this earth before "your time" or whatever the fuck. I will blow my own brains out before I get old, that's for sure. I wanna see the world with my love and experience whatever "luxuries" this existence has to offer, but at the same time I just wanna take out all my anger with him on some sorry ass group of oblivious cunts and then end ourselves. I keep thinking about it more and more and it's the only thing I can see myself doing. The only thing I WANNA do. Not at this very moment, but sometime in the future, a handful of years or so? I don't know, some shit like that.

I feel so weird even typing this out on this site. I know it's fairly anonymous but once I show some of myself, it's not that hard to know who I am and to figure it out, especially if a person has interacted with me in real life. I just want everyone I know to leave me alone for fucks sake. Let me deal with my own shit. Talking about this just reminds me of 2016, when I was supposed to end my life. Not that particular incident, but I used to have this site-type-thing back then where I would talk shit about people and basically just vent and this person who I shall not mention snitched me out. I thought she was alright, but apparently you can't trust no bitch. The councelor got involved and the events afterwards ruined my life for quite some time. That facet of my existence is better now because I just stopped giving a fuck, but that's what happens when people get in the way. Everything goes to shit and you get dragged right back down to this god awful place.





03-26-2021: 5:36pm

I feel like I've mentioned these people before on here but I don't really give a shit about censoring out their names anymore because who the fuck cares? If they find it, good. I'll only censor or make code names for people I actually like. Anyways, Jack and Kitt. Those are their names. Two of the worst fucking people I've ever interacted with. If anyone deserves death, it's those two. It's so strange though because they're both so different from eachother, but that's if you look on a surface level. Otherwise they're basically the same person, which is funny because they hate eachother, heh.

Let's start with Jack. I don't care how harsh it is to wish someone was successful with their suicide, but GOD would the world just be a better place if this fucker finally pulled the plug... I could literally refute the way that he thinks with just one single piece of evidence, but I don't wanna waste the time to do that, and he'd probably just call me a Jew or one of his nonsensical insults that hold no weight whatsoever. If he was fair game, then I'd go for it.

Kitt on the other hand, it's different because there's so many people who suck her fucking dick for absolutely no reason. WHY??? How are you guys this fucking BLIND? Why are you hyping her up? She's the exact same as Jack, just on the other side of the spectrum, but you guys hate his guts. Rightfully so, but have that same fucking view when it comes to Kitt. She also acts so tough and brags about the fact that her therapist or whoever told her she hallucinates and thinks shes better than everyone, which is dumb as shit and she should also die. How is that something to be proud of? God I fucking hate people who brag about shit they get diagnosed with because they think it makes them look cool, or tough, or "interesting". Fuck you, go OD on pills or something. Whenever anyone goes against what she says, Kitt acts like she's going to pull up to all their houses and stage a goddamn shootout, but she literally lives in the most bumfuck ass state in the US. What's she gonna do, send a bunch of farmers to their house to beat them up with pitchforks?? Fucking hell, I hate having to look at what these people post constantly but there's essentially no escape.





03-22-2021: 9:55pm

My only motivator is the fact that once this college shit is all over, I get to be with AJ. That's my only reason to keep going. If I can't be with him, I'd rather not be at all. There's always a part of me that feels so unfulfilled, a part that can only be pleased if I make my own death a spectacle, and drag a handful of other useless fuckers with me. God would I fucking love that...

I used to be so scared of dying, but thinking about it in the sense of a perfect ending to an entire self-created Judgement Day as a whole? Well it doesn't seem so bad at all. I don't even wanna die in general, I ain't fuckin' suicidal, but if it came down to that, I don't particularly think I'd have any second thoughts. Of course, this would only apply if I didn't have anything to look forward to. Because I have him, I don't need that plan. A backup plan though? Maybe, heh.

Those thoughts and feelings aside, I can't believe I let this fucking pseudo ass simulation – and the zombified beings within it – convince me that all there is to life is working till you die, the fact that a career is supposedly important in the first place. Everybody's gonna die out eventually, and so will the generation after us, and after that and so on. Who cares? I'll do these next 3 years for my family's sake, save them some money, but what comes after that doesn't matter anymore. As long as I'm with him, it's all alright. If I somehow have a job that makes me a shit ton of money, cool. If not, I could care less. The only thing that matters is if he's happy and I'm right there by his side to live it out with him.





03-19-2021: 11:17pm

If anyone reading this genuinely believes that everything I say is totally serious, that's on YOU motherfucker. Half the things I say are just shit that my brain randomly spews out, therefore I put it into words because its MY goddamn site. If you choose to take that seriously, then that is your own fault. Think whatever you want, but just know that if I was really going to take myself seriously, I'd be writing some Ted Kaczynski shit or something, not making this website. See kids, this is why I hate being percieved at all sometimes.

Sure, the feelings that I write about are always real, but that doesn't mean I think I'm extremely out-there and philosophical or whatever, that's literally just the way I type and talk and if I come off a certain way to you, oh fuckin well. Imagine taking the time to read through a good portion of what I say on this site just to tell me that I supposedly idolize Eric and Dylan, and that my quote on quote "fixation on violence" is more normal than I think. Okay?? Understanding someone doesn't mean idolozing them, first of all. And second, I've never made myself out to be a quirky bitch who thinks her thoughts are different. I say whatever the fuck I want on here and if you choose to read so deeply into any of my words, turn off your computer and go live in a secluded commune or some shit. The only person that takes me too seriously is YOU.





03-16-2021: 2:29am

GAWWDdamn it.

Someone who's downfall I've been waiting patienly for has been confirmed alive... tragic.

This person is so incredibly annoying. I know it's "wrong" to wish death upon someone and hope for it, but if you knew who this person was, and why they keep going to the psychward, you'd be on my goddamn side. Helllll. My hatred for this fucker goes beyond normal limits, that's for sure. Frankly, nobody online likes him. Delusional. He's an absolutely delusional fuckhead that deserves to stay in the ward for the rest of his sorry ass life. Ya ever seen someone that you can just TELL smells like pennies and horse shit? YEAH THAT'S HIM ALRIGHT!!!! He makes me more mad than Sol Pais. They have a lot in common actually, but Sol is dead and this cretin still walks the earth.

To think, I actually stood up for him at one point. God, this shit is like a whole cinematic universe of its own, I'm telling you. Freakin' IN-ZZZane!!! The thing was though, I stood up for him due to this other person that my boy was in a major back-in-forth duel with. You know that bullshit saying, the enemy of your enemy is your friend or whatever the fuck, yeah that. Of course, I wanted to get back at that person so I sided with...uh... the deee-looo-sional fucker from before. Little did I know, I made a big fuggin mistake.

That's beside the point though because get this: this cretin wanted to make a suicide pact with some girl, who then ended up FLAKING OUT ON HIM! Lolzerz I don't know jack shit about *that* particular situation, but the POINT is... he wanted someone else to do it with him and I'm talking solid real shit, he was DESPERATE. And after that whole order he just freaggggin vanished! BAM! Of course, I assumed he finally pulled the plug but see, I was wrong. GOD. Zi Intahnet is fuckin weird and I wanna kill everyone. What else is new?





03-12-2021: 5:32pm

I'm once again in that place. Being stoic and lacking emotion only lets you keep yourself confined so for so long. I've trashed religion countless times, and will continue to do so, but furthermore, how can people still believe that a God exists if someone as beautiful and bright as AJ has to constantly feel down, has to suffer and go through what he goes through? Fuck your "God". If he does exist, he's a wasteful and useless God.

Fucking hell, I just want him to be fucking happy, that's all. There are so many entries in on this goddamn hellsite where I'm basically just reiterating the same thing in a different context or way. When I'm not writing about killing, it's either "numb numb numb", "I want AJ to be happy", "I'm so in love" or "I hate everyone" – all in different wordings. Gawd, the paranoia is definitely the worst though.

I don't know if you've ever been in a bond like mine, where you're so incredibly in love, but you must go through trial and tribulation that comes in the form of distance. By "you" I don't even know who I'm talking to. Nobody reads this shit but me probably, but oh well. The paranoia, right. You never know if one day you'll wake up, and it'll all just be... gone. Oh god I can't even bare to think about that, it makes me so fucking scared. I ain't scared of jack shit except losing the one I love the most. PLEASE. Any fucking force that's listening, let this boy be safe, be alive, be okay and be happy. That's all I want, with me by his side of course. I'd give anything for him to feel content in this realm. Please. I'm just talking into a void here, but I genuienly need this. Fucking hell, I just wanna talk to someone about this, I need to pour out all my words somewhere with another physical entity, not like this.





03-11-2021: 7:47pm

I don’t have a goal in mind for a judgement day anymore because I’m in love and want to spend the rest of my life with my boy. I would never leave him in that way, but I still can’t help thinking about it constantly. I even have a full-fledged plan already written out just for shits and giggles.

I want people to scour my writings, social media, music, videos and drawings to try and even get a slight grasp on the way I thought, the way I functioned every day, my “true self”, my motive, my upbringing, everything. Everything they need to know would literally be right there in plain sight, but of course, fuckers still would make it deeper than they know it actually is. I obviously wouldn't be there to see it, but whereever I'd end up, I'd be feeling like David fucking Koresh when he thought he was the messiah or some shit. Biggest Boner right the fuck there: mass murder followed by world glory and speculation. Makes my diiieck and ego explode for some reason, heh. Maybe the idea of people obsessing over intricate details of my life, me as a person, and even worshipping me to an extent is what gets me so euphoric... no wonder I wouldn't mind being a cult leader. Back up plan Ha!! But guns have my heart, I would have to go that route. I also know I would succeed because unlike others, I know how to not make careless mistakes. I learned from the best by actually observing what all of them did wrong.

God, I wish I could carry it out without blowing my brains out at the end and legit just leaving the premises with no consequences, being able to go on with life right beside my love, as if nothing even happened. If only the world was that lawless, I’d have a goddamn field day, me and AJ both.

I think about “going NBK” with him so much, as E and D would say. That would be the ideal world. Us against them. But just generally speaking, imagine how cool it would be to be able to kill without consequences. Fuck the “guilt”. I know I wouldn’t feel any. Goddamn, anyone who says they wouldn’t kill their most hated person if they got the chance to do so without prison or other consequences is either fucking lying, or they’re weak as all hell. Ha.

You see, it’s shit like this that makes me realize how badly I need AJ in my life. I’m so grateful for his presence in it. He keeps me fuckin’ stable and I need that. Love is strange innit. If this was 2-years-ago me talking, I'd probably... well, I'd actually mostly likely be dead. God...





03-07-2021: 10:58pm

The one thing I would change about my mind is my jealousy. That's it. I don't get why I get so overly jealous when AJ does the most random things that wouldn't cause a regular person to get jealous, like having a birthday party with his family for example. Him and a relative have the same birthday so they usually have a party together, I guess, but holy fuck, why am I genuinely so jealous of everyone that gets to hang out with him and see him on a regular basis?

I do honestly think its just the distance, but my GAWD do I hate feeling like that... I remember one time, he facetimed me and he was with his friends, and the stupidest goddamn things made me rage inside: the fact that he was sitting so close to them, the fact that he was wearing shorts, he was laughing with them, looking at them. THATS what made me mad, and for what? I understand for myself that it isn't right to feel that way. It's not like I can help it...

I can KIND OF understand when I feel that way with friends, but with FAMILY??? GEEAWWDD get a fuckin hold of yourself. He probably never feels like that because I genuinely don't have friends, or even a big family. I got my mom, grandma, step dad and step sis. I don't have a big ass group of people that I can hang out with like some do, and frankly, I'm okay with that. I just don't know how to regulate the goddamn jealousy. I just wish he'd only ever talk to me and nobody else. That's a terrible mindset, I am aware, fuck off. But it's genuinely how I feel, and I hate that I can't do jack shit about it.





03-05-2021: 12:57am

I love you so much that it makes me sick. In a good way, though. In the most amazing, terrifying, everlasting and strong way. I've never felt this way towards a human before. It's like you were made specifically for me, because there is no one else on this goddamn earth for me except you.

I love you I love you I love you.

I'll never stop saying it. I can't wait to see you. Distance is a bitch but what do they say? Time/distance makes the heart grow fonder? Whatever that fucking shit is, I don't know. All I do know is that I'm so deeply in love with you and I wish there was a way I could constantly express that to you. Hell, I've never felt this much emotion at all. I don't cry that easily, but when it comes to thinking about how much you mean to me, I can't help but shed tears. Sometimes even bawl my eyes out if it gets to that point. They're not sad tears though. No, you make me so happy. They're caused by desire, longing and love.

God, you mean the entire universe to me, AJ. I wish I was with you right now. I wish I was next to you or in your arms, or vice versa. That's all I want.

You deserve happiness, you deserve to feel like God himself. To me though, you already are God himself. I miss you every moment that we aren't talking, and that's incredibly childish and possessive of me, but it's the truth and you deserve honesty, just like you deserve to love yourself as much as I love you. I can't wait to spend forever by your side. I want that more than anything.

I love you.





02-28-2021: 4:24pm

There's these two specific people, even if they aren't directly interacting with me, that somehow manage to claw their little festering hands into my brain and just ruin my whole state. I take major issue with people like S** and J*** that think they're somehow special or unique. One of them is fucking dead, so I have no say on that other than they ruined my favorite Massive Attack song (fuck you), but the other one is very much alive, sadly (Only half kidding).

There's a difference between being spiritual or believing in an afterlife, all that shit, as opposed to just straight up lacking self goddamn awareness, which makes you a lunatic. There's a difference between seeing the world for what it is (which a lot of times involves lots of hatred and distaste for the human species) and being a fucking lunatic like I said. This person that I shall not outright name, is exactly that type of insanity. They've been to the looney bin numerous times and should just fucking stay there if you ask me, that would do the entire world a favor.

Now this person, before I found out that were in the bin, I just thought they were genuinely convinced that they were in a relationship with a dead man who they'd never met, but the moment I recieved word that they've been in the fucking ward not once but thrice, all the pieces fell into place. GOD, I cannot even begin to describe to you the lack of self-awareness this motherfucker has, like, there's ignorance, and then there's straight up no fuggin brain. The thing is, is that everyone literally sees it too. I'm not some philosophical cunt who's gonna claim that only I know this information and I'm correct (I am correct but that's obvious), because it is common fucking sense. One look at what this person says and you will reach for the blade, slitting your throat as you read the words that they spew.

I lost motivation to write about the rest of the shit that bothers me about them, but if anyone is actually reading this, which I doubt it, shoot me a fuckin email and I'll tell you about the cinematic universe of C.REZ versus The Loonies. caivorkiandeathcycle@aol.com – G'bye.





02-19-2021: 6:14pm

GEEAAWDD Bitches are really testing my patience these past few days. Everyone is so goddamn annoying I don't fucking get it... My jealousy has gotten so bad that I just straight up develop this seething hatred for anyone who even attempts to befriend my boy. I frankly have nothing to be jealous of, I'm fucking godlike and I know that, but I don't know why this happens.

I don't try and go out of my way to be this overly possesive bitch, but I want him all to myself, all the damn time. There's no one for me out here other than my AJ. My Vodka. Everyone else, I want to destroy.





02-15-2021: 7:18pm

I've probably reiterated this same statement a hundred times on this goddamn site, but I just wish there was a way to stop someone from relapsing. Goddamn it fucking hurts so bad. Especially when they're so far. I just wish I could do something. I wish I could do something about the fact that I'm seemingly not enough to keep them on this earth. Oh my god please just let things turn out all right. I need you here AJ.





02-13-2021: 2:44pm

Well, I made it to 19. Doesn't really feel any different but it'll do. I love my boy so much. That has nothing to do with this, but I just felt like saying it. Happy Birthday to me I guess. Now off to listen to my new Herzeleid vinyl and eat a shit ton of rice. Ich bin Gott. Ha.





02-08-2021: 1:05am

I never knew crying this hard was possible, until I got the headache that followed. God, make it fucking stop. I have work to do for school, but I can't focus on that because the tears don't stop. These days were supposed to be in the past, but here they are. I guess they just never end, huh?k

This fucking song isn't helping either. Got You Where I Want You. The Flys hit it with this one. Reminds me of so many things. I can't listen to it without crying.

Please please please. Keep him safe and well. Whatever fucking force is listening. I need him to make it through this life. By my side. I can't lose him, I just can't. Please. FUCKING HELL WHY WONT THE THOUGHTS STOP EITHER. I HATE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS I'VE HAD THEM FOREVER BUT I'M SO SCARED I'M GONNA PUT SOMETHING INTO THE UNIVERSE THAT I DON'T WANT. GOD. WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO BE ALRIGHT. PLEASE. I'LL DO ANYTHING.





02-07-2021: 7:58pm

I hate being associated with femininity. Not in a dysphoria way, but just generally. I'm fine with being referred to as "she" and shit like that, but I can't fucking stand being perceived as a "lady" or "woman" or anything like that. Frankly, I just don't wanna be human. I don't like being perceived at ALL.

When I think of ME, I don't see myself as human, I just see this entity that is neither male nor female, not even a person. Just a being. I don't know what you'd call that, but I just really hate people and hate being grouped in with their species, goddamn. I'm not an incel, as I'm very VERY happily taken by the love of my life, but sometimes I see people online (mostly women) do certain shit and it just fills me with rage. By existential standards I'm also what you would call a "woman" so don't get your shit twisted up. I don't even wanna go into detail because it's MY journal entry FUCK YOU but I'm very self aware that it sounds like an Elliot Rodger type thing. I don't know. I don't even understand my own feelings. It all stems from jealousy towards women who talk to my boyfriend. I genuinely believe that it's solely that.

The past few days have been weird. I don't like being a human. I just wanna be a God or a fucking spirit that haunts those that I hate... which would be everyone Ha. Goddamn, as life goes on I feel myself becoming more and more disconnected from the majority and from people my age, and just everyone in general. If I voice that, I'd get called an edgelord, which I don't care, maybe that's what I am indeed, but who gives a shit? Everyone is so fucking annoying and stupid... I can only tolerate one person and that's AJ. It's been like this for a while now. My family and best friend are most likely also exceptions, since I do care about them deeply, but on a different level, AJ is the only one I can trust.

These words I'm typing are racing through my mind but I feel like I'm not even making sense. Geawwdd maybe I am insane after all. Fuck this.





02-05-2021: 7:46pm

How can some people genuinely sit there and say that the death of an animal was justified because it attacked a human?

I saw some cunt post a video of cops shooting 4 dogs dead because they went after a man or something. You fuckers hurt animals all the goddamn time, yet it's wrong when they defend themselves against it? I hope those cops fucking die, or more dogs find them and rip them to absolute shreds. Geeaawdd, take it all out on humans who actually deserve to get 6 rounds unloaded into their fucking face instead of dogs who had no other choice but to defend themselves, just because YOU CHOSE to be stupid. Not anyone's problem but yours.

On top of that, there's people who hunt for "sport". If anyone deserves to get hunted for amusement, it's the human race. Bitches will post their fugly ass men posing with a carcass of a deer they killed or some shit like that as if it's attractive. You know what's attractive? The dark red puddle of blood and brain matter that's about to ooze out of your head when I fucking kill you! If you want "fun", just go hunt eachother for fucks sake... hunting for sport is literally the most pointless thing ever. It makes me so goddamn mad I swear... What the hell is the point of it? Okay, you killed some random deer or eagle, now what? It serves no point, and the only way I see it, is that you get the same fate brought to you. Good fucking riddance.





02-03-2021: 9:43am

I feel like I'm not on the right existence plane. Something's wrong but I can't tell what it is. I feel like I should've died a long time ago, but me still being here disturbs something in the planet's energy. I'm not supposed to be here. It's even more confusing because I no longer have a wish to die, because I have something to live for, but that feeling never leaves me.

Not gonna lie, sometimes I feel like I haven't accomplished something big, something that needed to be done in order for the force of this universe to stay stable, and it fucks with my head. I don't wanna do what I was about to do 5 years ago anymore, simply because I have a will to keep going, for my boy, for him only. But on a larger scale, there's this emptiness in my psyche that won't leave. I think its here to stay, because once your fate changes courses so drastically, there's no going back from that. Like, what the fuck do you do in a situation like that?

Gawd. I don't know.

Regardless, I need to focus on my fucking classes... There's so much on my mind. I can't fall back into the goddamn trap I dove head-first into last semester, I will have to end myself if that happens. God fucking damn. I need to force myself to fucking do this. I shouldn't even be writing on here right now, I have so much work. FUCK.





02-02-2021: 9:50am

You ever find out a bit too much about someone, and now you know some of their old phone numbers, the brand of underwear they wore when they shot themselves in the head, the songs they had downloaded, the social medias of their past friends...? I've only ever done this with Eric and Dylan, because I have a different connection towards that whole deal, maybe even otherworldly, but recently, I've begun feeling some of that toward Vladislav.

No one will ever be on the level in my mind like E and D, that's for sure, but it's just strange when you gain access to such information. It really makes you look at them in a different way. Maybe it's because Vlad and I percieve Eric in the same light? It's a similar relation, I guess.

Speaking of E and D, this reminds me of something I saw yesterday... it had to do with the way they died, and I can't stop thinking about it. Eric died straight away, bullet to the brain, eradicating 95% of his goddamn skull, instantly gone. Just like that. But god, Dylan took some time, didn't he? He didn't even go at the same time as Eric, no, I feel like he hesitated. It's strange, because I always think of Dylan being the one to want to leave this awful planet first, but once I really look at it, of course it was Eric who left first...

He was just that kind of person, he got shit done, he did good in school, he knew what he wanted, he was secure in his thoughts. Maybe that's why his shot was so goddamn impactful too. Shit took out like half his facial bones... christ. But Dyl... he was so incredibly unhappy... Sometimes I can't even read through his writings because they make me cry. Eric was as well but in a different way, which I feel only fueled the outlook the both of them had towards the world, which is why they worked so well together on all levels possible. Dylan was unconscious after he shot himself, thankfully, but I know there's been people who said they could literally hear him choke on his own blood. He died with that blood filling his lungs. He died the same way he lived: in suffocation. And I think that's fucking devastating.

You know, I never really cared for what others thought of my whole view on 4/20/99, it's just constantly been a weird point of talking, whenever I tell someone what I truly think. Then again, I've never really told anyone outside of a few people online who get it, and my boy because he thinks similarly. But now, I guess I'm just used to having a different look on shit like this, maybe because I relate so heavily. I'll be talking to someone and staring at them, and they'll be staring back at me, we laugh, we smile, whatever, and I'll think– they have no fucking clue, do they? They don't know how much I crave to rid this world of every last piece of scum I see, not even just the people who've tried fucking with me, no, just the whole lot of them. People.

The only person who will ever understand me and has made the effort to is my boy, and I'm perfectly okay with that, more than okay even. It will always be Us against them. Always.





02-01-2021: 11:02pm

GEEAAWWDD I wanna kill so bad.

I won't actually fucking do shit, don't get it twisted ya cuntz, I got me a boy to live for, but thinking about it is quite pleasant. I'd love to know what it feels like to just waste someone, just like that, they're gone. It's so fascinating to me. There's so many kickass songs that make me feel the way that I imagine the real thing to feel. I feel like I even have it all in my head, like I can see exactly what I would do if given the chance. All that goddamn bloodshed, FUCK that's good. Real good.

I wonder what Vladislav felt like in the moment after the bombs went off and he started wasting bitches. I've been really into his case lately and I'm not sure why, but we're both Russian and liked The Prodigy, so he's pretty damn cool in my book YYEEAAHH!!! I need to focus on my schoolwork though, I've been reading too much about Vladik today. At least I don't have as much this week, I don't think. My GAWD I just know the second I put a bullet through someone's head, I won't be able to stop. I know there's this whole fuckin thing where sh00t3rs or k1ll3rs, or whoever else, get behind the trigger and once they pull it, they get taken aback or don't carry out their plans as they wish. Ya know, the blood and realization and all of that. But I just know I would want to keep doing it until there's no one left.

KMFDM really hit that shit in the phat fuggin balls! WHAT I DON'T DO, I DON'T LIKE. WHAT I DON'T LIKE, I WASTE!!!





01-29-2021: 11:02pm

I am so sorry. I wish I could do something about all this shit.

You don't deserve this. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, never have. I love you with all my heart. Please stay alive for me, okay? I know it's so goddamn hard, the world is garbage and ugly and everything wrong with this existence. You're too good for this earth, but please just stay for me. Please. You're my halcyon, my will to keep going, i love you i love you i love you.

"I want to find a room in the great hall and stay there with my love forever." -D.B.K






01-29-2021: 10:05am

It's one of those moments where I cry mindlessly. It's 10 fucking AM, too early for this. But I don't even know why I'm in this state. I don't know if its because I was thinking about E and D, or if it was the fact that I just haven't had one of those days in a while and my goddamn brain needs them for whatever reason. I don't like those days. I call them Overdosing In Space. That's how it makes me feel and see everything around me. Check it: I don't like having those days, but why do they need to happen for me to not go completely insane? I hate this so much. God.

I miss something I never had. I already have my own Halcyon, but there's no worldly explanation for what else I feel.






01-28-2021: 3:51pm

GAAWWDD I hate school already!!! It's not really bad like how it was last time, but I'm so goddamn tired. Not my fault. I genuienly can't fucking sleep unless it's like 6am and I've played DOOM, listened to every one of my playlists, read 3027 different things FUCKKKK Guess I'll just have to get used to that.

My boy started school too, so we haven't called properly in a while... I miss him. Hopefully this weekend we can fuckin talk.






01-22-2021: 11:20am

Things are definitely looking up!!! JJEEYEEEAAAAHHH I'm not fuckin' it up this time, check it. I think I'll be okay for now.

I'm in this really cool Sci Fi class and the teacher jizzed over the fact that my favorite movie is The Matrix. Why do people tend to do that? Whenever I show that I know shit about the 90s, they always nut. Ha. Anyways, I'm tired as fuck and I'm in love with AJ. See ya later fuckers!






01-20-2021: 11:56pm

I thought at first, that things were going alright with my mom today. We had dinner with my grandma and she seemed happy enough and I actually saw her face to face and spoke to her. Thank god for my grandma, goddamn. She keeps this whole fucking house together and she doesn't even fucking live here.

Later today, or I guess like a few minutes ago, she texted me and said she wanted to talk about something tomorrow, which made me fucking go into cardiac arrest. YOU WOULD TOO!!! But I asked why, and she said it was about our "situation", so therefore, she's still fucking mad or whatever it was. I don't know. I'm kinda nervous, I thought everything was fine.

Besides that, I think I'm off to a good start with college. I've been going to every meeting so far, and it seems like shit is gonna get better! I hope.. Also CHECK IT I fucking hate Sol Pais, she fills me with RAGE RAGE FUCKINGGG RAGEEEEE. Ha.






01-19-2021: 10:51am

Well, I ended up getting 2 fucking hours of sleep! I feel like absolute shit, but its better than nothing. My first class was Western Art History or something like that, seems interesting enough. I only have two classes each day, so that's good. But I almost forgot, I have that stupid fucking CAS thing because I failed my first semester.

It gets added to your schedule if you go the route that I did, but its at 5 fucking pm. Who the FUCK wants to do that that late??? I got other shit to do anyways. Mom still hates me, I think too. She's talking to me somewhat more now, so that's a step forward. I hope she comes around soon, now with school starting and me waking up early.






01-18-2021: 7:16pm

My stomach is so audibly growling, I haven't had food in my system for like 15 hours and I'm scared to go upstairs and get something to eat. I can hear my mom walking around upstairs, and I don't want to anger her by showing my face around her. God fucking damn, I need to find at least a fucking bag of chips or something, but I don't think my room has anything like that. Just empty water bottles and cold coffee. The coffee is what I've been living off of for the past hours, which I guess helps, but it also makes the hunger worse.

And now to take my mind off things, I can't stand when bitches think that Eric and Dylan would be friends with them if they lived in that time or if the boys were still alive. You stupid fucking Sanrio cunts are all the same, and they'd probably despise you. I swear to god some of these people haven't done even the slightest of research on the boys, or at least that's what they make themselves seem like. The whole reason why Columbine has stuck with me all these years ever since I started realizing that crime is my escape, is because of how scarily similar Eric Harris and I are. Nobody will ever understand that, and they don't have to because I don't need to explain shit. But being the way that I am, I can tell you now, if I can't stand you fucking sheeple bitches who use "hating the police" as a personality trait, post your stupid fucking tik toks, call yourself "goth", "emo" or whatever, then I can sure as fucking hell tell you that Eric and Dylan would despise you even more.

I have this weird relationship with certain things like Columbine, that I can't even properly explain because I don't understand it either. If I was to try and get my point across to regular every-day people, I would get fucking ridiculed, not that I already don't. Ha. But it's just something otherworldly that's above me, above everyone, above the earth. I don't owe a reason or explanation to anyone. Fuck everyone else.

And is it just me, or has everyone gotten like a million times more annoying over this past year? What the fuck is it with people GODDAMN they should all just drop dead. Make the world a better place, even though it would still be a shithole, I guess I just wouldn't have all the fucking issues that I do now.

Even reading over my own thoughts, I myself find it strange the way I either merge totally random topics together, or I just shift between topics so easily and I guess sporadically. Guess that's the fucking ADHD and BPD talking, or just my clusterfuck of a brain. I don't know. I never know what's wrong with me regardless. There's so many red flags that I'm surprised no one has thrown my ass into a psychward. There's still time. heh.

That also reminds me, the mental illness shit. What the goddamn hell is it with these bitches online wanting to be "mentally ill" so bad?? Like, I'm self aware, right? I know my brain is filled with violence, rot, terrible things, shit I just can't control. Shit that I practically bask in, but I'm smart enough to not let myself get to the point where I don't realize that it's SoCieTaLLy SeEn As wRonG or whatever the fuck. Point is, I'm what people consider mentally ill, right? But let me tell you, its fucking garbage. I would change so much about my brain if I could, but the second these cunts notice a "symptom" of some sort and someone points it out, they're all "OHH SO THAAATS WHY I DO X, Y, Z, I MUST HAVE THIS MENTAL ILLNESS!!! I'M MENTALLY ILL!!! HAHAAA SOOO FUNNY!!!" I will literally fucking skin you alive, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Christ, you think its funny or makes you quirky or whatever? Then it'll be comedy fuckin' central when I blow your goddamn head off and throw your body into a ditch! It's not really fucking fun, you know. Yeah, I like some aspects of how I think, because I'm not a fucking mindless moron like some people I know, but why would you ever want the rest of the shit that a "mental illness" like mine comes with? And don't even get me started on the way these goddamn bitches view people with shit that's anything other than depression or anxiety. How are you gonna willingly want a mental illness but say "what the fuCK no you think about hurting others?? GROSS GET AWAY FROM ME!!!" when people express that they are having problems with their mind or sanity or whatever??

God I hate humans. They're so complex, yet so dumb and hypocritical... can never understand them.






01-18-2021: 4:06pm

Today is the last day before college starts back up again and I lose all sense of sanity. It makes it even worse when I'm so incredibly scared.

Last semester, I fucked up so badly and my grades were flaming garbage, but this semester, if I don't do good, not only will my family fucking disown me, but I'll lose the money that FAFSA had paid for my tuition and scholarships. GEEAAWD I have never been this goddamn scared. I really fucking hope I can do this.

Why do I have to have stupid fucking ADHD that – first off, I did NOT ASK for – and second, makes me fucking die whenever it comes to school?? I get that I can only truly focus on things that I am passionate about or really into. Like, I can go on and on about Columbine, industrial music, whatever. But when it comes to shit like Geography (bleh), Math, all of that shit, I basically crash and burn.

Today I also got into a weird thing with my mom, where she got mad that I've been waking up between 12pm and 4pm because I talk to my boyfriend all night. People don't fucking understand that with a long distance relationship, it's not the same as regular relationships, especially if the person lives in a timezone that is 16 hours ahead!

Plus, it's a winter fucking break, which means I'll go back to whatever wake-up time when school kicks back in LITERALLY TOMORROW!!! I'm so scared of saying or doing soemthing in the vicinity of my family, because so many things could go wrong... They do every time. When I say the only person I can count on that truly understands me is AJ... Something that might be a thing to look forward to, though, is that his country might be opening up international travel in the summer, so if this fucky corona shit eases up a bit, I can go down there or he can visit America JJEEYYEEAAAHHH bitch I would cry my eyes out if that happened.

Disregarding possibilities, DOOM is something that my mom gets mad at me for playing, or videogames in general. I have concretely nothing to look forward to at the moment, due to corona restricting travel and all that shit, so you bet your probed ass I'm gonna delve into shit like Doom. It takes my mind off of the impending doom (lolz) of real life and school's arms of wrath that drive me insane.

What the fuck, man? I'm so scared of what's to come. This is the first time I feel fear for the future of me. Eric Harris give me strength. A-fuckin-men brotha.






01-16-2021: 10:10pm

Geeeaawwdd am I not excited about college starting back up again in a few days. I can't afford to fucking fail this shit, not like last semester. I'm gonna actually apply myself this time, not like a few months ago when I fucked up so badly. Goddamn it, I don't even know who that person was.

Besides all that fuck shit, I started playing DOOM!!! I fuggggin love it so much, E and D really were onto something. All that's been in my brain lately is DOOM maps, it's so goddamn addicting.






01-12-2021: 8:11pm

God, it's so incredibly interesting how I have my entire brain mapped out. There is one single thesis that combines the general premise of how things will go.

My boy is my stability and without that stability, I will lose control.

People like me, we need a very specific type of stability or else we simply cease to exist. My stability is AJ. Without him, I wouldn't have the will to keep waking up on this awful, awful planet every day. He keeps me sane, even though sanity is quite scarce within the both of us LOLZ. I guess it cancels out, if you think about it. I haven't thought about wanting to die in a long while. Before I met him, I knew I was going to either die completely alone or succumb to my urges, and take out half the goddamn population, and then simply rot away by the doings of my own hands. These types of thoughts no longer consume me, because I have him. I know that whatever lies ahead, if I have him, there's absolutely no fear. I will be okay and so will he. I no longer wish to die.

It's harder to think about this shit when he's in a bit of a different mindspace. We're so alike, yet so different, and the worst part is, the mindset he takes isn't even up to him or I. I fucking vow to never let him get as low as he did before we met.

I love you, AJ. And I'll continue loving you till death do us part.






01-10-2021: 7:50pm

I'd like to say I'm doing better in most departments, but then again, I'm so fucking angry at everything. There are so many things that fill me with rage.

"If you choose not to care about politics, you're priviledged!" "If you choose to stay neutral, you're a piece of shit!"

I saw something earlier, someone said: "I don't care about the woes of this earthy land." That sums it up perfectly. I don't have to do jack shit. I hate this fucking country. I hate living here, knowing people here and I hate the goddamn political climate. Why should I give a shit about what goes on?

Both the left and right are fucking shit. Garbage. All of them. There are no good politicians and if you support either side, you're a fucking hypocrite and should die. GOD I hate politics. I know I'm majoring in political science in college, but its good for the career I want, even though the career has nothing to do with politics. I'm using it to my benefit so suck my goddamn dick.

Fucking SHEEP. Every single one of them. They preach one thing, but then spew death threats and contradictions the moment the other side has something to say about it. The shit that happened at the capitol earlier this week is a perfect example.

Now according to the right, "it wasn't the real America", and we need to do better, or "they had every right to do so." But how come you get enraged at a fucking Wendy's getting burned down, but not this? When the protests against racial violence were happening earlier in 2020, these fuckers got so mad, but now are fucking contradicting themselves. Ha.

But the left isn't safe from this either. Some woman got killed at the capitol, but "she had what was coming to her." How the fuck are you going to talk about non-violence and all that bullshit, and then say you're glad she got shot? Frankly, I don't support either viewpoint. They should've just started straight sniping these fuckers down.

I hate cops so much. Fucking pigs. Either don't do what they're told to do, or they don't do it correctly. This country is a fucking mess. I have my own political stance: Kill em' all!! No matter who it is, they plague this already trash-ridden land and need to DIE.

There's people like AJ who can see it the way I do, and for fucks sake, he doesn't even live in the USA. How fucking dumb are these Americans not to see that all of them are being used the pawns in their own little political cesspool that they so claim to be aware of, yet keep falling for the same shit these goddamn political fucks keep throwing at them every day? I'm getting the hell out of this place as soon as I get the opportunity to do so.






01-02-2021: 10:28pm

My boy is on vacation with a friend and of course, I'm on a fucking rage spree.

I knew I would get jealous like I always do, but goddamn it's getting ridiculous now. I've literally been getting angry at the most minor things. Putting all my focus on things like editing, reading, music, etc. Just so I don't lose my mind GOD I cannot wait till he gets back. I need to hear his voice.

We talked for a quick second on a call on New Years, but my friend was with me so it wasn't the same. I was also drunk as all hell.

GODDAMN that was the worst fucking hangover I've ever had. I wanna write more but I have so much shit to do. Later.






12-25-2020: 9:43pm

Destroy what destroys you, and make it fucking suffer.

Happy Holidays.






12-21-2020: 8:45pm

YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING HATE??? This one bitch that tried getting with my boyfriend.

Judging by the information you may know about me from this site, I’m in the true crime community, I guess. I’ve kind of come to terms with being called a “Columbiner” and being in the TCC, its funny to me at this point so I refer to myself like that… whatever. It doesn’t matter. The thing is, with being in the TCC, you encounter so many different types of people. Hell, I’ve met everyone from aspiring serial killers (duh) to people who fucking worship Hitler, to legitimate convicted criminals… one of these people though, I haven’t directly met but I have interacted with. She’s not nearly as cool as the aforementioned though.

Now according to this bitch, she didn’t know AJ had a girlfriend until today, which is some goddamn fucking bullshit if you ask me!!! Listen, AJ has told her multiple times that she should stop going after him, and then I told her indirectly (we refer to each other with online nicks sometimes just so we don’t have to use our real names, it's a given. Kiss my ass.) that he has a girlfriend. Now this all happened when she was added into a chat that the both of us were in, and she told everyone that she likes someone that is currently in the chat. GAWD I wanted to fucking slit her throat. I don’t know if you have ever hated the way that someone types, but it’s so goddamn annoying!!! I can’t even explain it, but christ it makes me so mad…I can’t stand anything about her. The final nail in the coffin before she “found out” (I use that very lightly) was the fact that last month, she posted something with the caption “I shouldn’t simp over someone who has a girlfriend lol”. FUUUUCK I hate the word Simp. If you use that unironically, die. But that’s beside the point. I knew that was about AJ because of the time that it was posted and because she’s been “simping” over him ever since the beginning of this year!!!

Today, AJ posted something on his story that is quite obviously referring to the fact that he is in a relationship which was, mind you, completely irrelevant to her and was about something entirely different, and THEN the bitch fucking realizes it!!! She messaged him and started freaking the fuck out for whatever reason. She was acting so oblivious, I had to fucking laugh. AJ told her my name when she asked, and this bitch said “time to do some hacking!! JKJK” You’re like 15 you cunt. I will literally massacre your body to the point that you’ll be unrecognizable! What the fuck is she gonna do??? I’m glad she fucking stopped talking in the chat too… God everything about this situation and HER makes me wanna fucking RAGEEE… whatever. Not worth my goddamn time heh.






12-19-2020: 8:39pm

Distration arrives in the form of spilling all my thoughts out on this fucking hellsite. I don't know, it's better than blowing mine or others' brains out XD Anyways though, you ever read some shit that's not even about you, but just know that if anyone who knows you read that same thing, it would make you appear like an entirely different person in their eyes? Well, then I guess they don't actually know a goddamn thing about you, huh? I saw an old article about quote-on-quote "Columbine-obsessed" teens trying to carry out some copycat version of the Big Day itself. There's so many fucking incidents like that, doesn't matter which one in specificity. It got me thinking.

Would I be different if Sandy Hook never happened? If Adam Lanza just never existed... I mean, I'd probably end up finding my way to Eric and Dylan regardless, but part of the reason I am the way I am is Sandy Hook. When you don't have internet supervision at a very young age because your immigrant parents don't have that notion (unlike silly Americans), you tend to discover things – good and bad – and take them in, like, genuinely. The shit I've seen has stayed etched in my brain ever since then. And then there's Adam Lanza, the bug-eyed fuck. I blame him for this. Ha. Not entirely, because I strongly believe I was just born from hellfire, but Adam definitely played a big part in the latter part of my development.

Regardless, its so fucking weird how that shit was my "first case" or whatever when it came to true crime, before I discovered the TCC and all that. I was 10, and remember how my mom told me about a gunman entering an elementary school and just... going ham. LOLZ. Don't know what other word to use. I was so goddamn intrigued by that. That night, when I was supposed to be asleep, I spent an ungodly amount of time looking up every bit and piece of info I could find on the shooting and on Adam Lanza and just... staring at his face for whatever fucking reason. I was definitely scared of him at the time, but my fear was overpowered by some sort of fucking bewilderment. I envisioned being there at the time when he entered the classroom and what I would do, and just how I would feel overall, and the state of everything afterwards. I don't know if that's a normal thing for a 10 year old to feel, but whatever. This man and this incident fucking put me on the goddamn map.






12-19-2020: 6:48pm

I think the worst thing is when someone is physically sick but you can also tell that something is wrong from a "headspace" or mental health point of view... I thought these days were in the past. God. I would do anything to make these days be nonexistent as a whole, but I know that's far-fetched and frankly impossible.

It's the everlasting contrast, like Dyl said. It's It's a bit different then what I know he meant, but I like having my own interpretation to already-existing fields. Good things turning bad and bad things turning good. This thing, though, must stay good. I will do everything in my power for it to stay as is: good. Pure. Everlasting. Nothing can take away my love.

I must keep reminding myself that certain days like these are temporary, and this too shall pass. Everything will turn out okay...right?

It's funny; I feel myself channeling Dylan in times like this, even though I see myself more in Eric. I guess there's a bit of the both of them in all of my thoughts. This one, definitely Dyl though.






12-16-2020: 8:30pm

If I ever lose him, the world is gonna see me in my fullest fucking capacity. I'll waste so many goddamn lives and then go out like a God. The one I truly am. He's my only will to live. I won't let anyone take that away from me.






12-16-2020: 4:10am

Something went terribly wrong. Oh so terribly wrong and I would like to be in a far away place where these types of emotions don't exist and there is simply: nothing. But no, I can't magically fucking do that so I shall distract myself any way I can because I don't want to cry my eyes out anymore. Its starting to get painful.

Ass-fucking the subject all the way around to something I've been noticing a fuck ton lately - there's a handful of these youtubers that have gotten popular lately, which is fine, whatever. But the thing I fucking hate about their entire being is: their fans and the way that they treat said youtubers. At first I saw people directing all their random fucking anger towards these content creators, so I assumed they were just shitty people. But then I kind of opened my goddamn eyes, I'd say. It's the way that their fans treat them like actual fucking babies! What the fuck, these are grown ass men that can most certainly make decisions for themselves and do all the shit that they can but these fucking fans act like they're these "uwu softies". To that I say FUCK OFF that's what draws people AWAY from your favorite youtubers. This goddamn shit is so prevalent I swear.

Corpse Husband is one of the biggest interwebz motherfuckers of these past few months. He's known for playing Among Us and shit like that, but his voice is the main part of why he became famous. Sure, it's different, cool. Whatever. But fucking HELL do his fans baby his ass to the fullest extent... It's so weird. God. I have really bad anxiety too, and it's nice when people are understanding about it but goddamn I wouldn't wanna be babied for it. I don't fucking know, it's just strange that's all.






12-16-2020: 12:30am

Paranoia acts differently when the thing – or person in this case – it revolves around is quite literally out of reach. That person or thing could be gone, and you'd have no clue so you'd just have to sit there wallowing away in a psychosis-like state. If you're lucky, you are able to be in contact with people who live around them and could get some sort of information, but reaching out is a goddamn force, ain't it... Like always, I know I am overreacting.

I strongly believe that what happened around this time last year (almost, it would be the end of January but still not too large of a distance between the dates and today's date) gave me some sort of goddamn PTSD or fucking trauma, I guess you could call it that. I mean, in this case, in this moment right the fuck now, I want to be overreacting. He's probably just busy spending time with his family or friends, or...asleep? It's 4:30pm for him... why the fuck would he be asleep STILL? He wakes up around 9-10am on days like these when there's no school, but it's been like 14 fucking hours with absolutely nothing. I even double-texted. God that sounds dumb and gay.

Every little thing I see that has absolutely jack fucking shit to do with anything is tearing away at my insides more and more. You know, a song lyric that happens to come on when I'm listening to music, trying to distract myself. Something that someone posts depicting certain things. The coldness in my room. That's probably the strongest of all. It feels like the middle of the goddamn Arctic in here. It's been like that for a while and usually that's exactly how I love it and exactly how I'd want it to stay. But... god I don't know. I just need some sort of sign that he's okay. GOD not this fucking shit feeling again... The last time I've felt this was when I thought he ended up in a fucking bodybag in some hospital somewhere... There's been times where he's AWOL for a bit because of things he has to tend to, and yes, I do get a bit anxious but not like this. This is hospital level paranoia, we're a good goddamn way past the anxiety stage.

I don't know what the fuck to do now... I need distractions distractions distractions. Doesn't fucking help when I haven't slept in 24 hours. Like HELL if I'm tired right now, he's the only thing I can think about until something curbs me over with reassurance. His friend is alive. I can see her activity status on Discord. Ha. Her status is negative as hell, which it wasn't before so that only adds onto my impending sense of something being wrong. Please. Please let me be incorrect. AJ is safe. AJ is fine. AJ is good. He's okay. He's alright. You do this all the time. He is okay. Nothing bad happened. He's just busy. Yes. Let's go with that.






12-15-2020: 3:39am

My thoughts cycle through the same goddamn shit every time.

What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? Why does this happen? I fucking hate myself but not in the way that most would think.

I’m the greatest person alive and I’m the worst ever. I know how to control everything yet I have control of nothing.

What do I do with tasks like this? How do I put it in perspective so that my brain solves them all properly and it can appear somewhat normal?

I guess... destroy what destroys you, goddamn. But I can’t do that because I’m the one who’s destroying myself and everything around me. I need to fucking grasp the fact that I am the one at fault here. It is all my doing. I need to be the one to take the first step, which is the only way I'll be able to solve this whole fucking bullshit mess that I myself created.

Was für ein Gott wäre ich, wenn ich mich weigere, die Kontrolle zu haben?






12-14-2020: 7:01am

I am so sorry.

I love you so dearly. You have no idea.

Knowing that I’m the source of your guilt breaks me inside more than you can ever imagine. I have to watch what I say, not like before. I can’t lose you. I wouldn’t be able to carry on. Is this what toxic means? If it is, I don’t wish to know. I need to fix this myself, because I’m the only one at fault here.

God, AJ I wish I was a better person. I drive everyone away. I literally am full of the worst rage and hatred known to man and although I love it any other time, I hate it more than anything in moments like these. I wish I could get rid of it at times where I don’t want it to affect me. Its not my choice, I don’t even notice it at this point. You have a life. You deserve to be able to do what you want. I need to fucking stop, god. It just goes to show how no one has ever been this kind to me that my brain just stops functioning.

What do I do? I can’t risk losing you. I can’t. What kind of person would I be if I tell you that you always deserve to be happy, but then cause the opposite in return. I’m the worst human being to ever roam this earth. I’m so sorry.






12-14-2020: 1:21am

My jealousy of every single thing ever – real and fictional – stems from the fact that I think my boyfriend is too good for me. Goddamn, I literally freak the fuck out whenever he jokingly says he finds a fictional character attractive! It’s that fucking bad. I think this case is where my god complex doesn’t level out my extremely low self-esteem, like they usually do and cancel each other out, so it’s just… a weird inequity of those two.

I think it gets worse when other people are around, and they laugh at those jokes too. My dumb fucking ass realizes that they’re jokes, but then my brain catapults me into a rage that’s so strong, I genuinely want to fucking kill everyone around us who interacts with him in any way. That’s so bad… Oh well. My fucking struggle, not yours.

The basis of it all is that I deadass can’t process the fact that someone as nice and amazing as AJ can possibly be in love with someone who’s literally the fucking identical copy of Eric Harris or some shit like that. God. Also, just because I want to protect him from the world and anything bad that exists. I think that’s really the underlying cause of it all.

Right now, he’s with his friends celebrating one of their birthdays and I’m here listening to whatever the fuck trying to take all my rage out on this goddamn site!!! How fucking pathetic is that. Ha.






12-12-2020: 11:19pm

I ruin every single thing. I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF WHY DO I FUCK THINGS UP EVERY SINGLE TIME?? I HATE LIVING WITH THIS CESSPOOL OF A BRAIN. MAKE IT FUCKING STOP. I CAN'T LOSE HIM. I CAN'T. I WILL FUCKING END MYSELF IF I EVER LOSE HIM BECAUSE OF MY OWN SHIT BRAIN. HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?

JLSHEBFHAWJBFJAHDSKBFARHUBFJAKSRBFHAJRDBFAKJGHFBDVFBSJDGVFSDJGVASDFUJVBA.

Keysmashing doesn't fucking help. I need to beat the living shit out of someone. It's come to that point.






12-12-2020: 10:42pm

Everyone around me is making such garbage decisions. Not just people I personally know, but legit everyone. Is it me, or have people become so goddamn delusional lately? Why does everyone have this shitty ass savior complex? You aren't some fucking revolutionary bitch that's gonna "save us all" or whatever you think. It would be so much better if these types of people were rid from the planet. God. I don't know what it is, I just can't stand anyone lately.

The few exceptions are my boyfriend and – I guess – my family. My boyfriend, as always, is the only one I'd never group in with these degenerates, but surprisingly, my family have gotten better. I do care about them deeply. Everyone else fucking sucks though, and they should die.






12-10-2020: 2:54am

It happened again. He had to leave the call. He fucking had to leave the call all because of me. When I feel like I’m drowning from my brain’s own demise, I turn to him. God I wish he was the same way... I hope he comes back soon, I don’t wanna feel like this again.

Fuck everything. I hate when this happens but the thing is, none of that hate is directed towards him. None of it at all. Its all towards myself and just the general situation. I can’t begin to describe — and goddamn I know I’ve fucking tried — the way these things make me feel.

FUCKING HELL I HATE THIS FEELING MORE THAN ANYTHING. I CANT BELIEVE I FUCKED IT UP AGAIN. FUCK. I MISSED HIM SO MUCH FOR THESE PAST FEW DAYS. I NEED HIM. I NEED HIM CONSTANTLY AND I HATE THAT I RELY ON HIM TO MAKE ME FEEL GROUNDED.

I am so incredibly happy that AJ exists. Goddamn am I happy... I never doubt that ever. But I need to fucking stop bashing my skull in with these piss poor revelations every single time something goes slightly wrong. How do I make it stop? Now all that's left to do is make myself numb and wait for him to come back, if he even does... god please come back I need you. More than anything. I love you I love you I love you






12-09-2020: 2:58am

What the fuck are you supposed to do when you’re on acid, or when someone’s, like, far as fuck – as in approximately 10,000 miles away beyond the fucking sea – and they’re on acid and you’re scared shitless for them?

It doesn’t help that you’re still on the fucking jealousy-filled rage train from a few hours ago and you’re watching a cartoon to help you cope… Fucking hell, I don’t trust AJ around any type of drugs, or anything like that for that matter. I think I’m just overprotective of him, honestly. After everything he’s been through or everything I’ve been there for. FUCKING HELL this distance is really testing my sanity. It’s like the fucking smack middle of the night (early morning if you want to be precise) and I don’t know if I should stay up and wait for AJ to return or if I should just give up for the day. I should put my trust in K. He’s with AJ and he’s on no such substances, and he’s staying the night, so AJ doesn’t have to interact with his mom.

Binging Big Mouth is my fuel right now. It’s kind of distracting me from the stakes at hand, even though I‘m fucking writing about it right now… goddamn. Never mind. Maybe it’s not as distracting as I thought. Oh well. I don’t know what the fuck else to do.






12-08-2020: 11:34pm

I wish it was normal to want to get the love of your life away from his family because you're jealous of the fact that they get to see him every day. I wish it was normal to be incredibly fucking envious of your love's friends. I wish it was normal to hate every single scum that tries to start a harmless friendship with him. God. I wish so many things I think and do were considered "normal" but they aren't. This is something I'm going to have to deal with forever... and that is okay. My ideal future is living far, far away in the Netherlands with my boy, both of us happy and in love as ever. The problem is, he deeply cares about his family's opinion on this and the fact that they would never let him do so. I love him more than anyone on this earth, but goddamn when will he realize he can make his own decisions as an adult? I mean that in the most loving way. If this were anyone else, I'd drill that shit into their mind with the utmost hatred, but not him. I just wish he'd do what he wants. He even said he'd love to do that with me but his family is the only obstacle. FUCK, what am I supposed to do?? There's still time... that's the most important thing to remember.

In other news, I finally fucking cut off all contact with my god-loving whore of an ex-girlfriend on everything. The only reason I still had this connection was because people that I'm not on bad terms with, are also friends with her and I didn't want to cause dumb fucking "beef" as some people would say. But then, I realized that none of them concern me whatsoever. They're not my best friends and they know jack shit about me, and could literally care less about what happens to me. I was so tired of seeing M's dumb fucking face everywhere and her name too, so it had to be done. God am I glad I did that...






12-03-2020: 11:18pm

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE??? TIK TOK.

It’s such a minor thing in life that literally doesn’t matter whatsoever, but JESUS FUCK, the type of degenerates it had bred along with its existence… First, we have literal fucking pedophiles and predators that deserve to get shot in the head, yet somehow, this app promotes them on the main page and hasn’t deleted their accounts. I’d even understand if it was random fucking users with maybe 5 followers, but no. These are whole ass goddamn "influencers" with over a million fucking kids following them, and here’s Tik Tok promoting them for everyone to fucking see and boost. How is that allowed? When people speak up about their experiences with these absolute fucking cunts, they get their accounts deleted or the pedo in question sends their little gremlin fans to attack the innocent kids trying to get the word out so other are safe.

Then we have the fucking “dynasty” as some journalists wanna dub them: The Damelios, or however the fuck you spell their name, I don’t fucking give a shit. Why can’t these morons see that there’s obviously something weird going on behind the scenes? I doubt 100 million people on Earth know who Charli Damelio even is, how the fuck did she reach that number in almost a year? There are some underrated creators on any platform that take so long to even get to a million, but this talentless bitch gets there in a quick fucking minute? Her dad is literally a politician, you can’t fucking trust any of them. There is no goddamn doubt in my mind he has something to do with their strange and fast success. They’re even supposed to get a reality show! HOW? We have the Kardashians, right? Can’t fucking stand those rich cunts, but at least they’re dumb enough to be somewhat entertaining, ya feel? Like, in a so-dumb-its-kinda-funny way. But the fucking Damelios? Take a look at any content that has to do with them, and you will automatically figure out that they have the personality of a fucking blade of grass. Especially Dixie and her trash ass music that she’s apparently trying to make. Goddamn I hate them so much. They’re everywhere, and they don’t even deserve it. I also hate that if you say this, people automatically deem you jealous! Ha. Sure, I wouldn’t mind being rich at all – I’m sure millions of people feel the same way – but at least I have a fucking personality! I can go to my local high school and bring you 10 Charli Damelios right now up front. These “influencers are all so interchangeable” it’s disgusting that this is what is popular.

And my final thought: all these cunts stealing Goth subcultures when they clearly bullied us a year ago. FUCK OFF. THIS MUSIC IS MY LIFE. YALL MADE MIDDLE SCHOOL HELL FOR ME JUST BECAUSE I DRESSED DIFFERENTLY AND LISTENED TO THIS SHIT. I hope to God they don’t come for the industrial community, but I know they wouldn’t. They’re too fucking unworthy to listen to something like Throbbing Gristle, or even KMFDM. Good! Leave that shit to us people who find comfort and joy in it. One thing you haven’t ruined yet and will NEVER lay your hands on. Get fucked.






12-03-2020: 6:44am

It fucking hurts like absolute hell when you can tell that the love of your life is in a bad mental state. I wish I could help him somehow. He doesn't deserve any type of sadness or uncomfort in his life. I would genuinely go to the ends of the earth and slaughter all forms of human life on this planet if it meant that he never had to feel like that ever again. AJ is the purest form of light.

This world is so fucking dark and disgusting, if you ever find a source of light that guides you in the right direction, you hold onto it with the tightest grip. That's my whole purpose now. I need him to be happy. I don't know what's been going on with him lately but if I had absolutely any part of what caused him to switch up this fast while we were talking, then I will genuinely hate myself for it with every fiber of my being. All of these people around me, they don't understand the way that we feel about each other. No one at all.

There's a fucking Julian Casablancas interview playing in the background while I spill out my bullshit thoughts onto this page. My brain does not work at all. This has happened how many times now, three? Four? It doesn't fucking matter, goddamn. One is too many times. This shit fucking hurts. So bad. I wish he knew that, but at the same time it pains me even more that I realized if he knew that I cried my fucking eyes out after every one of these abruptly-ended calls, he would be heartbroken. It's so fucking confusing. What the fuck am I supposed to do about it?

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUKVK VJBHFDKHBSFHKBJS Literally what the fuck. I want to fucking punch something. Shoot someone, I don't know. Whatever would help rid me of this heavy pit in my brain and stomach. At least, if he messaged me back right now, I know I wouldn't necessarily await the strange and tumultuous hours lying ahead, where I lose sleep and try to focus on foolish fucking shit. He probably won't. Knowing him, sweet boy either fell asleep or is trying to finish the rest of his homework. Whatever he's up to, I hope he's alright. God fucking damn it, I really do. I don't know if I should stay up for more time or not, but I think I will for now. At least until half-past 7. Give him – and my stupid, delusional brain – a bit more time.






12-02-2020: 2:53am

My brain works in such a way that even I myself can't grasp. I miss AJ so fucking much, it's been like 3 days since I've heard his voice. I feel so empty – I feel like I'm the human manifestation of Eraserhead. Made up of desolation and and darkness, but surrounded by unintelligible masses of abrasion and immeasurable sadness. I don't know what's wrong. I never know what's wrong. I've established that so many times, goddamn, why do I even ask myself this question EVERY SINGLE TIME? I think I'm dependent on him, that's what it is. It has to be. I realize that's unhealthy, I know. If this was being read by some stupid fucking cunt radfem, I'd be told to eat bullets, but I would rather simply just cease to exist than ever imagine a life without him. This is something I am willing to work on, if only I knew how.

Fuck, I have never loved someone for this long... this intensely. I would do absolutely anything and everything for this boy. I hope in the next few hours I am able to hear from him. I need some sort of comfort. No – I need AJ's comfort, the type that only words from his mouth could truly bring. I don't know how long these types of days will drain on for, but I do hope they will end soon. I hope he's free from the things they're making him do for Year 12 and he can talk to me for hours on end again. I hope all goes well within his education. SEE – I CAN IDENTIFY THAT THIS IS AN IMPORTANT THING IN HIS LIFE, I just wish my stupid fucking brain could process that. I don't know if these are the foreseeing signs of a possible manic episode or not... I really fucking hope not.

I'm a bit hesitant about those as well, because I don't want to bring the burden onto AJ of the fact that I had another episode – if it happens. I am so incredibly comfortable with sharing these types of things with him, don't get me wrong. He is the #1 person I trust – hell, probably the only person on Earth that I actually fully trust – with every single one of my thoughts, and I mean that with every single fucking particle of my being. The thing is...is that he's kind. That sounds so weird to say but that really is the case. It could break him to know that I am going through something like this and the absolute LAST thing I would want is for him to be sad for me, or start back into old terrible habits because of me. I made the mistake of sharing a few of my past entries from here with him, which I personally thought were some of my funnier notes, just because of how personally bizzare that shit seems to me now in the present day, but I had seemingly forgotten the aforementioned thing about AJ, and the fact that just because I found those things dumb and laughable, he didn't. Because he cares. When I tell you that boy is so incredibly kind... God, he's beautiful. Inside and out. Just wants everyone to be okay. He had to leave for a bit because of how reading those things made him feel. He told me he felt like that because he wished he was there at the time to help me, because AJ is so great at reading people. He could tell from my words that I was in the worst fucking point of my life, which I was, now that I look back at it. Laughing at your own low points is a coping mechanism but I now realise that it may not click the same way to outsiders or even those closest to you. It would just bring down their mood. When he told that reading those brought him that discomfort, I genuinely felt like my heart shattered into a million fucking pieces. Imagine bringing pain to the one you love the most... that shit fucking sucks.

Goddamn. I love this boy so fucking much, it hurts. I could go on and on about my feelings towards him. I should've known I'd grow so attached to his mere existence, hell, my feelings were literally uncovered because he was in a goddamn hospital! I thought this boy was dead for, like, 4 whole days, I legitimately thought I got some kind of extra rare disease that made me weary and sad – turns out all along, that feeling was the realization I might've lost the love of my life forever. Love really does hurt, I guess. Of course this is how it is going to be forever: something conventionally normal happens, I overthink and mentally slit my throat because I am not used to functional and healthy love, AJ reassures me that it is all okay, I continue to overthink regardless. But at the same time, I don't mind at all. Yes, I do wish my brain could process this distance and circumstance more concretely, but even so, all I want is to be with AJ. I can bear the strangeness and mind-turmoil of it all. I just want him. That's all. Holy fuck... Every notification that rings on my phone, I think it's him, but its always someone else. Please. I just want reassurance. Please talk to me.






12-01-2020: 8:28pm

My biggest accomplishment is being in The Prodigy's top 0.005% of this year's listeners. Jesus fucking CHRIST. Spotify Wrapped came out today, and not gonna lie, my account amassed kind of a cult following over these past few years. I have a Columbine playlist that has a phat amount of followers, and so do my other playlists. People have genuinely recognized me on other social media platforms from that playlist, and my usernames are completely different! Ha. It's so goddamn weird. Today started off kind of shitty, but on the other hand, this kind of cheered me up a bit.




11-30-2020: 11:21pm

Well, I guess this is my first "live" entry on this fucking hellscape. Goddamn, I really am still Eric Motherfucking Harris. Fuck. I don't even know what to write for this first entry. No thoughts. Head EMPTY. I guess uh... hello to the below-negative amount of people that are going to read this!! Updates on fucky shit: AJ and I are together! I have a sandwich! I'm listening to Massive Attack! But it's just my own thoughts and me forever. Cya soon.






02-04-2020: 2:59am

AJ is safe and at home. Everything is good for now. I can sleep easy.






02-01-2020: 2:22am

AJ IS ALIVE. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HE REPLIED. I'm scared he's going to disappear again after this, but I'm just glad for this confirmation. He said it was acute (atypical?) pneumonia, which I looked up online and it told me it takes about a week to recover. I can't get my hopes up too much about texting him though, since he's still in the hostpital. I hope you feel better soon, my love.






01-31-2020: 12:35am

Jesus. fucking. christ. In less than an hour it will be almost two days since AJ has last contacted me. I feel like I’m having a slight anxiety attack (“slight”. Ha.). I want to punch something and cry. this is how I felt the very first time I went a whole day without hearing from him and I’ve decided that it is, in fact, the worst feeling. I’d rather be angry or bored or whatever other emotion I’d hated before. anything but this. I’ve never felt like this before - ever. My mind is telling me something is wrong, but the first time, it was actually wrong, and I felt a thousand times better. I wanna text him again but I already did earlier today/yesterday. God, this would be so much easier if we lived closer to each other, or even just in the same country. he lives a million miles away for god's fucking sake! AJ is alive. He is well. He is okay. He is feeling better. Everything will be fine. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that, right? Fucking hell. AJ, you'll probably never realize how much you mean to me. I don't know what I would do if that was the last time I ever talked to you. Jesus Christ, I don't even want to believe that shit. Why do I feel like this? I’ve literally never felt like that about anyone. I mean, if T went to the hospital and got sick in the manner that you did, I would obviously be worried - there's no doubt in that. But why do I always think of the worst possible outcome when it comes to you? maybe it’s because you're so fucking far away. T is nearby and I see her practically every day. AJ, please fucking talk to me. I’m on the verge of tears, ain't that fucking stupid? I can't believe this. I care about you so, so much, and I’ve never even met you, goddamn. Fucking HELL. This shit doesn't even help anymore when I feel so heartbroken. every time I open my phone and don't see a notification from you, I stoop lower into this fuck ass terrible fucking state. FUCK. I don't know what to do anymore. I’m going to give this one more fucking chance. Tomorrow, in the midst of hanging out with T, if I don't hear from you in that span of time... I’ll know for a fact that something is terribly wrong. I don't want that to ever happen. I love you so much.






01-30-2020: 2:19am

It would now be around 6:20pm in Melbourne, and AJ still hasn't replied. This really is just a repeat of yesterday so I know I shouldn't be worried, but goddamn - I’m gonna try my fucking hardest to keep our connection. I love him. That’s fucking it. I truly do think that's the case here. What other emotion would this be besides love??? It’s too much of a strong and longing type of sadness. It doesn't fit any other possible feeling, other than this! Man, I wonder what he's doing right now. I hope he'll talk to me soon. I feel like I keep repeating myself over and over, but I genuinely miss him. I miss his Liam Howlett rambles. I miss listening to music with him on discord. I miss everything. I just want his presence, that's really it. AJ, you mean everything to me. I look forward to talking to you every day. That's probably the highlight of it. You make being tired a hundred times more bearable. I love you. Good night.






01-30-2020: 12:00pm

I'm listening to Out of Space by The Prodigy and its reminding me of AJ, and for some reason, its making me go into a state of disassociation. I don't know, sometimes I hear a certain song and it reminds of something really specific and I end up just... feeling like shit. Like, I'm not in my body, or I am in my body but it just doesn't feel like I'm supposed to be in it. Yeah, that's what I feel like right now. goddamn goddamn goddamn goddamn goddamn goddamn goddamn goddamn. GODDAMN. The song I'm currently listening to mentioned something about a hospital ward, aaaand the feeling is back. Ha. I miss AJ. FUCK. Goddamn, I hate everything - except AJ. I am quite fond of him. All this fucking bullshit has got me thinking: is he even at the hospital? What if he just... left social media? God, I hope that's not the case. I need to talk to him. It's become a part of my day, one that kind of wraps it up and makes it whole. I really hope everything goes back to the way it was: AJ being fine, him being okay and talking to me daily. Fuck..






01-29-2020: 10:34pm

AJ, I'm definitely less worried now that I have a sense that you're alive. Please, talk to me soon, okay? It's getting so fucking lonely and boring without you... Somehow, I found nicotine! Yeah!! It's the shitty kind, but its still nicotine. It helps me feel numb which is always good. I finally finished that journalism shit and now all I have left to do tomorrow is the reflective shit for journalism, the world music essay, the chemistry test, and I believe that's it! It doesn't sound like a lot. I know that most of those assignments are lengthy and boring, but at least its not math. I've been feeling less "sad", which is most certainly a good thing. The only thing I need to feel complete again is him. Gawd, I wish there was a way I could see him. I really hope this isn't the beginning of our disconnection. Disconnection happens 90% of the time with people I meet, no matter if it is online or real life. AJ is just... different. With him, I can talk about anything: music, shit that happens in life, murder (fuck you). I've never been comfortable enough with someone in that way, not even my best friend. I love T and I always will, but AJ just has a different way of viewing things that not many people hold. I love that about him.






01-29-2020: 6:21pm

So, I still haven't finished anything for school or just... quite frankly done anything productive. I have the first two paragraphs of my world music essay done, but today, I just wanna focus on the journalism one. Its easy and I keep forgetting I have another one due later on this week. In fact, on Friday I believe. Now I know certainly that I was overreacting and overthinking about what happened to AJ. He's alive and he's fine, but that feeling is beginning to return. I don't know how to make it go away, and I ran out of nicotine so I can't blame it on that anyways and I just know that it's him now. Not the nicotine, not coffee and not depression, but AJ. Even though, I still do very much so want nicotine. And coffee. Why is everything suddenly so depressing and slow? Usually weeks go by so fast, but without AJ making them so much brighter and better, it kind of sucks. No, it actually sucks like all hell. All I wanna do right now is smoke, and kiss someone maybe.... we all know who's on my mind anyways.






01-29-2020: 9:43am

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. My fucking wishes have been,,, commanded?? Is that the right word for it?? AJ replied to me today and seemed perfectly okay, Holy shit you don't know how fucking relieved I am to know that. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I don't even know what else to say. I hope he stays in a good headspace, both mentally and physically. Sweet boy, I'll still be here. Goddamn it.






01-28-2020: 11:44pm

CAI STOP FUCKING WRITING SHIT CHALLENGE. I don't know what I'm doing here. Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck I just want to talk to AJ, that's it. AJ, you're never gonna read this, but maybe that's why I'm writing it. I don't know what this is that I'm feeling. It's so fucking strange. You are one of the only few things in my life that makes me believe I actually have people that appreciate my existence in this way. Thank you. I think I love you, AJ. I don't even give a shit that we've never talked face to face, or heard each other's voices, or even met each other in real life, and live a fucking lightyear away from each other. Sometimes, you just have to take risks and state exactly what it is that you're feeling. Sometimes, that is the only way to calm your own head down and be content, or somewhat at least. Yeah, that's probably what this is. At this moment, I know enough about you to know for sure that I want to keep being your friend, but god, ain't that the cheesiest shit ever. Nevertheless, its the truth. Even if this never turns into anything more – considering the situation here – I will always appreciate your existence, just as you do mine. Even if you don't, its enough for me that you've spent your time talking with me, and I'm honored. I've never had anyone listen to me ramble about the things I love the way that you have. Holy fuck, I can't even believe I'm writing this atrocity of a "letter". What else am I supposed to do in times like these though? You're a million miles away, in a hospital somewhere, asleep or... I don't know whatever it is that people do when they get the flu. I hope you're okay. Goddamn I really fucking do. What you've noticed about me – in theory – is that I overthink and overreact. Usually, I would simply say this isn't true, or in certain times, blame it on my BPD and missing brain wires. I tend to hide my emotions very well, as if the fate of the world depends on it. But in this situation, none of that is real. None of it. This is all the truth, and all of my real emotions. After all, I care about you, okay? Its okay if you don't feel the same way about me, but I truly do care about you. Jesus fuck, AJ. I fucking hate myself for getting like this, its so out of character for me. But at the same time, I love it. I love it so much. I love that there's finally someone I can appreciate the way I appreciate you. Even if its not reciprocated back, your existence itself makes me happy. But then again, it makes me incredibly sad that you're so far away. Can you believe I wrote this fucking much – almost 500 words – yet I can't even write a damn essay for class? Jesus, you'd probably think I'm some kind of psychopath for writing all of this if you ever laid eyes on these words, but I think I've said way too fucking much already. I'm sorry. Just... please stay safe, alright? I love you. Xo, Cai.






01-28-2020: 11:11pm

Pumped Up Kicks just came on... Is this a sign? Only time will tell, I guess. Grasping at straws is goddamn stupid.






01-28-2020: 10:33pm

In 6th grade, we read a book about this girl who got leukemia. She liked to run, and she made paper cranes. I don't remember the title, but this book stuck with me for whatever fucking reason and the symptoms she had are quite similar to mine. The only thing: I haven't fainted (yet), which is, good? I guess... But why the fuck would I have cancer? Breast cancer runs in my family but I’m 100% positive I don't have that. This just goes to show I’m overthinking the fuck out of this situation. My second thought is depression. The thing is, is that I feel "sad" but not in a conventional way, you know? Like, my physical state feels distorted and strange, but I don't quite feel like I’ve "lost all hope" and I don't necessarily want to kill myself... no, I don't want to die. Not now, at least. My third thought - and the most peculiar, yet believable one - is that I miss AJ. I can just confidently say: I’m lost. Goddamn, how do I even describe AJ? I barely know him, but at the same time, I know him so fucking well. Maybe that's not a good analogy – holy fuck I just went on about how I don't know what's happening with me so how could I possibly know someone like THIS?? I’ve never fully seen his face, only very small parts, that's the thing. I haven't even heard his voice properly... how did I get so attached? God, I hate questions like that. Am I attached? Do I like him, or do I just like the fact that were so alike, and this is happening because my first real friend (besides T) is gone in a way? am I...in love? Is that possible in a situation like this? More like, is that possible for someone like me? Am I overthinking all of this fucking bullshit?????????? God I’m so pathetic. Does writing out my thoughts even help? Yet another dumb fucking question... I have to fucking stop. I don't know what it is. I can't even bring myself to look at anything Prodigy related and that's my goddamn favorite band. They always bring my mood up. But it reminds me of him now. It's AJ's band too now. AJ has blonde hair – reminds me a bit of Jeffrey Dahmer. If you know me, you know I find that incredibly endearing. He's even got the glasses, although I think his are a bit different than Jeffrey’s. He has pretty eyes too. I’ve never actually seen them up close, but I know they're pretty because they're similar to Keith Flint's (words from AJ himself), and Keith’s are real pretty, that's for sure. He's a bit shorter than me which I don't care about one bit. All these bitches obsessed with liking men taller than them are shallow and fucking stupid. In what way does that dictate someone's worth? Anyways, AJ's fuckin' cute, and I wish he knew that. If everything does indeed turn out alright, I hope we continue to talk. Even though something inside me keeps saying that AJ won't ever like me in that manner. He did tell me he liked me, but I know what he meant. I like being his friend regardless, and I hope he at least thinks of me in that way too. I’ve never felt this way about anyone I’ve met online, or anyone I've met in general. The fact that he lives so far makes me sad, but holy fucking shit if we continue to talk and not lose contact, I’m buying a ticket to Melbourne the second I have that kind of money on my hands. That's stalker behaviour, I know, and he'd probably hate me in real life, goddamn. You know, reading over what I’ve wrote actually does help. It puts me somewhat at ease, which is weird because this shit is draining as fuck. I hope AJ is okay. If thought manifestation is real, I hope my brain does something right for once and helps him through this hell. AJ, just know you have my whole heart. I don't care if I sound stupid. I love you ♡ Talk to me soon, okay?






01-28-2020: 8:49pm

Holy fuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUuuck. Every time I open my account and don't see that bright ass notification in my inbox, I die inside a bit - ya know? I can't tell if I'm in love with this boy, if my brain just said FUCK IT!! LETS MAKE THIS BITCH MANIC!!, or if it's something completely different. God, I established that I'm not able to process or grasp the concept of "Love" years ago, but I have to analyze all the possibilities. Fuck, if he doesn't reply by tomorrow morning, I'm gonna check in with him and maybe throw in something funny or some fuck ass shit like that, I dont know. I can't go emo on him, he'll think I'm a goddamn piss baby. We can't have that impression. GODDAMN. OVERREACTING. He is okay. He's just tired. He's sick, but he's just resting. You won't lose him. Your brain is in a fuck ass state. You will be fine. He will be fine too...






01-28-2020: 8:29pm

theboyissick. theboyissick. theboyissick. theboyissick. theboyissick. These past few days I've been feeling... detached. I don't even know if that's the right fucking word for it. THE BOY IS SICK. He's just a face behind a screen, with a million goddamn miles between us, that I've never even seen and I swear I'm the exact same to him. I don't know why, but its almost like I've developed a dependency of sorts. The way some people depend on coffee or nicotine, I depend on him. Goddamn, is that possible? So many fucking things are eating away at my brain, yet at the same time NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE!!!!!!! I wanna go on a huge fucking k1ll1ng spree, and rid the world of a huge populative portion, but on the other hand, I wanna cry my eyes out until they bleed and my head is simply empty. A shell. I saw that on a fucking reddit post once, but I wanna feel that instead of whatever the hell this shit is. Ha. I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD HIS VOICE. NEVER. But fuck, I just wanna know that he's okay and he's alive and doing alright. It's been like 10 hours since he told me he threw up and went to the hospital. I just wanna kiss him and hug him and leave my house to drown all this fucking shit out – maybe with like alcohol or something. I don't even drink. ANYTHING. PLEASE. I don't think I've felt this low since 8th grade. That was the absolute worst, and nothing – I MEAN NOTHING HAS COMPARED TO IT SINCE, but this is pretty much up there as well. You know, I'd be content with the feeling of this if someone could just tell me what it fucking is. What's wrong with me?? Why is this so bothersome? Goddamn it, AJ, I swear to god if you're dead... I know it's the fucking flu or whatever and its highly unlikely, but my garbage cesspool of a brain does this all the time. YOU'RE OKAY. YOU'RE OKAY. YOU'RE O-FUCKING-KAY. Like he's gonna read this. What the fuck. I'm a fucking dumbass.






06-01-2018: time isn't real!

STUDIO X CAN GET FUCKED. They fucking SUCK ASS. I've known that for a long time now, but goddamn this is a whole new tier of a shitshow. DIE DIE DIE y'all only care when it benefits you! Like if someone doesn't show up for some stupid ass event that means JACK SHIT.. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.. everyone loses their shit, but when you're actually in a conflict of sorts, no one bats a goddamn eye. Fuck you all.. when you want an extra person to make you look good, I'm always obligated to be there, but you never fucking invite me to all the "fun" shit you guys plan for all the teams. "Wow this will be so fun for all our kids, but oh my god PLEASE don't let T's little weird ass friend come along!" I am so fucking SICK and tired of you all leaving me out of things that I'm supposed to be a part of. The fact that T is the one who invited me to them, and then you all act surprised when I show up just tells me everything I need to know. God, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't even be AWARE of all this shit. You can all drop dead for all I care. So glad I'm leaving Studio X once and for all this year. KMFA.




05-18-2018: time isn't real!

I HATE YOU FOR CONSTANTLY MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF! EVERY TIME YOU TELL ME THAT YOU DON'T HATE ME, I CAN LITERALLY FEEL YOU CONTRADICTING YOURSELF. HOW HARD IS IT TO BE SOMEWHAT ENTHUSIASTIC WHEN SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS FEELING LIKE SHIT, FINDS SOMETHING MINISCULE TO KEEP THEM CONFINED AND BRINGS THEM EVEN THE SMALLEST WAVE OF HAPPINESS, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS?? YOU CAN'T DO A SINGLE THING I ASK. EVER. GET FUCKED. I HOPE YOU GET YOUR BRAINS BLOWN OUT ON THE STREET AND THEY THROW YOU IN A FUCKING BOTTOMLESS PIT, WHERE NO ONE EVER FINDS YOU. IF I DON'T FINALLY BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY, SKIN YOU AND THEN EAT YOUR FLESH, I HOPE SOMEONE FUCKING DOES. IT WOULD DO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD A MASSIVE GODDAMN FAVOR.






03-23-2018: time isn't real!

Things are falling apart at the seams and I can't stop them. God. I can't do it anymore, it's getting so heavy and just – there's so much shit going on and it's too much to handle all at once. Make it fucking STOP. I just want it to pause for a quick second... or maybe forever? I don't know, all I know for real is that if I don't find something to take it out on, my existence on this plane will cease (finally). Maybe that's for the best... maybe I should just die like I planned to all along. That would solve everything. I'm so done with fucking up everything that is thrown my way. FUCK EVERYTHING: the world, my life, and yours too. Whoever the fuck finds this when I end myself.






03-21-2018: time isn't real!

OH MY GOD HOW THE FUCK DOES M'S BITCH ASS SELF VIEW THE WORLD???? There is no one I hate on this earth more than her, but making her angry brings me the biggest sense of peace I've ever experienced. I don't know, her anger – when it is caused by yours truly – makes me happy. Ha. Her personality is the polar opposite of mine, like, goddamn I can't fucking stand her, it'd be better if she wasn't....of this earth anymore, if you know what I mean. To paint the picture for you, I'm – well – me. Think Eric Harris or some bootleg 90s sci-fi thriller antagonist. And she's way, way, way on the opposite side of the spectrum. Do with that what you will. Whatever you're imagining, it's probably even worse and CRINGE. She fakes the shit out of her "depression". I can tell you that first hand because I was with the bitch for a good handful of time. Looking back, I never cared for her at all. Her attention and the fact that she's so easily able to be manipulated is what drew me to her. Also, I just really wanted a "relationship" because I needed to convince myself I was a regular, functioning, normal human being. Now that we've established that I'm not, its a totally different picture. Hm. All you shitty fuckin' God-loving whores. You can't trust them whatsoever, remember that for the rest of your miserable lives. Okay, but real fucking talk? What this bitch's problem is, I will never know. GODDAMN let's not forget that SHE was the one to reach out to me first. She always is. I realize that I made a fake account to add her and talk shit directly at her, but that's not the point. That might've been a sociopathic move on my part, but it's her general being that bothers me to no extent. TEC-9's lookin' mad delicious right now.






??-??-2018: time isn't real!

At dance the other day, we did this stupid ass "positivity" shit (because apparently eeeveryone has some kind of measly fucking issue!!) and at first I kind of thought they were actually going to think of something productive, something that would contribute to the general group's mindset in a POSITIVE way, like they're advertising. But no!!!! I was right again, this shit blows, man. It was so goddamn awkward I had to stop myself from laughing in their fucking faces. Now according to Coach S, this activity was supposed to help us bond and find our positive traits. I hated this from the beginning because I knew the outcome from a mile away, but I still complied because I had to. Basically, everyone got a white shirt ("everyone with white shirts stand up" - me 2k18) and we had to write on each other's shirts about something positive we liked about that person. Now MIND YOU gawwwd I hate everyone except for T in that godforsaken group, so it was a bit hard for me to do this. But fuck, people were straight up lying, YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW?? This one bitch wrote on my shirt, that I "always stay positive in class" and another gremlin wrote "always applies corrections"... I mean, yeah! That's the whole fucking point of choreo, you absolute fucking cunt! AND POSITIVE?? WHEN?? HA! no. Anyways, I love the aspect of dancing so much. I love dance in general, when its not filled with pompous ass bitches thinking they're better than everyone when they're clearly at the bottom tier of the dance-chain. Back when I first joined my studio, it was actually fun. But now, ever since the new girls joined, its been alllll about cliques and who's "the best" (hint: none of you. go fuck yourself), and its no longer about dancing. Hope they go bankrupt honestly, but that's really where it's heading at this point. I'm glad I'm leaving after this year. Good Riddance!! kma






11-13-2017: time isn't real!

My god, I need a very specific outlet, so I shall use this instead of talking to an actual person. I don't know how to communicate my goddamn thoughts!!! Can someone just fucking k1ll me already, or at least tell me what the FUCK is wrong with me??? I have so much rage about what seems to be nothing at all. Literally. It's just... everlasting with no purpose. At least back then it used to be directed at someone or something, but now it just won't leave my body. I feel so fucking enslaved to it at this point. I'm not terrified of talking to anyone about it, I just know better than to do that. I know what everyone thinks of me. What everyone percieves me as. How they always fucking judge me for no apparent reason, even those that are "close" to me. The only person I trust at this point is T, but even she'd look at me like they do if she knew what was going on inside my stupid fuckass brain. FUCK. These thoughts only seem to progress these days, but its been happening since years and years prior. All these people around me, they just go about their day as if nothing is happening, but I get caught up in imagining them screaming for their life as I take it with my own fucking hands. Just like that. They'd be gone. Strange to think about, but not shocking at all to me. Maybe it'd be better that way. Who am I kidding? It WOULD be. The people that know I'm not right in the head (not to this capacity, they just know I have apparent unconventional anxiety about things and I wanted to fucking "k1ll myself a few years back" - their words not mine) don't even have the brain capacity to ask me, and they're so goddamn fucking BLIND to anyone but themselves... Thank god I don't go to public school anymore. My ass would've been booted a long time ago.






03-21-2017: time isn't real!

Wednesday brings a new wave of anxiety. I have an assload of homework to finish, and the competition is this weekend. I'm gonna try to skip Leaps/Turns tomorrow, along with T. Hopefully, fucking John won't send one of the little gremlin bitches to come get us again. It's so goddamn annoying and its been happening more and more every week! STFU, I already take this class on Mondays, let me breathe a little, jesus christ. Everyone at Studio X is so fucking irritating, they get on my nerves. Here's a hot fucking take: not everything has to be so complex and fake-positive all the damn time! It's all Shan's fault really, she's apparently had some sort of epiphany with this new thing. SUCK MY FUCKING GLOCK 17. Everyone calls you out on your bullshit behind your back every single day, we all know this is a scheme just so you won't lose your goddamn business. On second thought, it'd be better if we all unionized and rid you of your fucking job... even though I'd rather choke on a hail of bullets than team up with all of these degenerate motherfuckers. Eh. I can already foreshadow the bitches that will call it quits by the end of this year just by the way they act – wait and see. Paige Tissot. She just doesn't give a fuck about anything the coaches tell her to fix, nor dance itself. Natalie Lewis. She's a senior, and obviously will leave eventually because all seniors do that, but I just hate her so I'm glad she's leaving. Bye bitch, we won't miss you! Then there's Lauren Karle, also a senior so it is inevitable, but she makes fun of everyone and I know for a fact she's talked shit about me. I wouldn't be talking if I was her, she ain't shit either. Those are just a few key people I can think of off the top of my head. Gotta wait and see who else pulls the plug...






02-02-2017: 8:29pm

DEAR WHOEVER THIS WILL CONCERN (yeah, that's fucking right), why does it have to be "illegal" or "inhumane" to murd3r someone in cold fucking blood? I don't get it!!!! It should be publicly accepted – welcomed even – to physically murd3r/t0rtur3/5tab/mut1late/d1sp053 of your worst enemies. Or even just the scum of the earth, if you wanna be inclusive (religious leaders, anyone who forces their uwu godliness on you, sensitive fucking bitches, racists, people who want my friends dead just for existing, you know the lot). Goddamn, if possible, I'd be so fucking powerful – I'd become the world's greatest h1tman, or s3r1al k1ll3r even, in the United States of Amerikkka. The more life goes on and trudges its filthy fucking claws down my back, the more people I encounter, the more I wanna blow their damn heads off! Like that one cunt bitch from History last year, Lily Burke. I'd scalp her in front of the whole class if I could. What a shitty excuse for a human. And THAT'S what's considered "popular"??? Jesus. L. Weisenburgh? Gun, she doesn't deserve the glory of me putting on a show of her quick d3ath. MORGAN FUCKING CAMPBELL – FUCK YOU. You get the sharpest knife of all. You, my dear, get to bl33d to death while I laugh at your pathetic eyes draining of all life. Shove your "God" up your fucking ass. Gawwwd wouldn't that just be the greatest fucking time??